When the Vibe Went Missing

A tale of woe from the Emergency Department Nurse's perspective.
A nice married couple had apparently been playing on a Friday night, or sometime early Saturday morning. The lovely wife was playing with a vibrators near her husband’s anus and the damn thing got sucked up. Apparently, they did not know that there are toys that are made for that purpose that have these wonderful flanges on it to stop them from being sucked up. Boom, it was gone

So this man, thinking that things normally come out that chute, waits for it to come out. By the way, the vibrator is still on. So he waits around all day Saturday and then he decides that he cannot take it anymore and goes to his local Emergency Department. Well, not his local one because someone there might know him. He drives past several local hospitals and goes to the large urban trauma center on a Saturday night.

Now, anyone who has ever been to a large trauma center on a Saturday night knows that this just isn’t a good idea. See, that’s when everyone who is partying, out getting knifed, people in car accidents, and other sorts of victims from stupid human tricks that went wrong hang out at the Emergency department.

The man gets quite angry that he has to wait in the waiting room because the rumbling vibrator in his belly really isn’t that big of an emergency, his blood pressure is somewhat good and the bleeding kid with the knife wound in his back gets to go in before him. He is pissed. Well, the vibrator has been in there for several hours and you aren’t passing any blood.

So the man ends up waiting for hours and this nice nurse takes him back to his room. He has to be an ass and yell at the nurse because he had to wait while his tummy rumbled. Hint, if you want the nurse to remain nice and give you drugs…Don’t be an asshole! So the nurse gets out her stethoscope and listens to the man’s rumbling tummy. Dang, it is still going. The nurse asks the wife, what type of batteries did you use? This pisses the man off even more. The wife is laughing so hard she is about ready to pee herself.

We get an X-ray and, yep, there it is. Dang, it’s way up there and it is still rumbling. Yes sir, the surgeon will be in to see you. No, you have to wait; he is with a car accident right now. Yes sir, I know you are having stomach pains you have a vibe up your ass. Yes sir, I know that it has been there for hours. If you want something from the nurses, don’t be an asshole!

So the time goes by and the man is getting to be more and more of an ass. Yes sir, I know you have been here for hours and you had to wait in the waiting room for hours. It is a Saturday night in the emergency department. Yes, the surgeon is coming; he is with a gunshot victim right now. Good, the batteries died. No sir, you cannot eat anything you have a vibe up your tummy and you may need to go to surgery. Don’t be an asshole!

Meanwhile, for all these hours the poor wife is taking a huge rationing of shit from the husband. Yes ma’am, I will see if I can drug him. The exhausted surgeon shows up and presses on the man’s belly. He looks at the x-ray and asks “How big is it?” The husband, with a show of his hands, demonstrates about 8 inches long and 3 inches around. The wife, shaking her head, shows with her hands about 4 inches long and one inch around. This nurse then looks at the surgeon and states, “I’d go with her dimensions.” At this time, we all bust out laughing including the wife but the man is turning a bright red. Here come the drugs….

This is a true story, no I don’t remember the names, wouldn’t want to. I certainly remember the situation. This occurred years ago in a very busy Emergency Department. The staff got mileage of this case for weeks. So be educated and smart, only use it there if it goes there and don’t be an asshole!